[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
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I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*