Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
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DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000