To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
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Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
War & Peace
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on