I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
You Might Also Like
“We will wed,” I threatened
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.