[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
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Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.