I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
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Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
I’m an avid indoorsman.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something