I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
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Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
notice
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL