Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
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Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends