My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
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Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them