Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
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*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Dishonest mechanic?
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here