stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
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This will never not be funny to me.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry