Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
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I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
This came to me in a dream.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
*frowns in Scottish*
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Yep.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*