2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
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*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.