I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
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Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
A double negative is a big no-no.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”