Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
You Might Also Like
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
the three genders
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Love this one 😂🧟
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross