Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
You Might Also Like
“A little help here, Danny?”
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Golf would be better with landmines.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
“Sheer Arrogance”