Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
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dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Great acting.. 😂
Beware of the “party goblin”…
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*