Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken