Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
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It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.