An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
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If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.