I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
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I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth