Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
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There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
What even happened today?
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch