This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
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Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I love art.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.