If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
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I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.