Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
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Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.