Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
You Might Also Like
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
And that about sums it up.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
They’re not wrong
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?