When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
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Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.