I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
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I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win