Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
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When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.