Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
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[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
🤭😂
I love art.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs