(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
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Got him!
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
The absolute effort that went into this omg
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand