“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
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I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.