[eulogy]
line?
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Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Rt to bother an English speaker
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.