“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
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*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Florida man
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
starting a garage orchestra
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”