The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
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My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.