my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
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Mornin
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.