7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
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first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Meme Monday.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.