I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
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Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.