Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
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[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.