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Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
I have so many questions.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill