God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
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Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Danger is very dangerous
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Noah was an idiot.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.