My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
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Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
If you know, you know
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
I need this for my side hustle.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night