Where is your GOD now????
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*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Bring back the McRib
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy