Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
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Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.