There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
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*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.