FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
You Might Also Like
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
The honesty is refreshing
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos