Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
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This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
No one :
Me when I swimming :