The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
You Might Also Like
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
My love language is deader than Latin
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages