Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
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I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
bout dat hot dog summer
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.