God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
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Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are